Children, harmful sexualised messages and self-regulation

Hi everyone,

As promised, I am slowly going to go through everyone's suggestions and questions and blogging here about it.

Sharni wrote:

"What about something about protecting our kids from explicit material etc.. that is blatantly in their faces in newsagencies etc... I signed a petition I found on your blog once and I thought it was worthwhile and a really important issue... the amount of sexual messages in society is enormous and it worries me now I'm a Mama."

This request gave me some food for thought because my approach to handling this issue is pretty much based on my belief that everyone innately knows what's good for them - that is, we all have the capacity to self-regulate. And the better we are at this, then the better we are at blocking messages that are deeply harmful to us.

Okay, I know that sounds a bit kooky but let me explain.

I believe that we are all born knowing how to listen to our bodies and emotions. As babies, we knew when we needed something and we demanded it. I do not believe that babies ever demand something they do not need - and by that I mean need physically or emotionally.

My biggest challenge as a parent has been (and still is) to decipher my children's (sometimes incomprehensible) messages and respond in a way that does not diminish that expression of need.

When my children were babies, I tried my utmost to trust and respect my children's inate capacity to demand for things that are good for them. Eg. Trust them when they signal to me that they are hungry and allow them to feed as their little bodies required. (Despite me nervously thinking at times that they're eating too much/too little/too often/too far apart). I trusted my babies when they went through difficult times of sleep (or non-sleep) and trusted their signals on how to help them through it - in most cases, I chose to respond by simply being there to hold them (in different ways) as they tried to sort out their body changes and their sleep.

As they got older and grew into toddlerhood, another layer of complexity was added - how to respond in a way that sets boundaries but still respects their initial emotion. I guess in a way, my approach can be summed up as: "The emotion is always okay but there are appropriate ways on how to handle it." Eg. I tried to show my children that they always have the right to be angry and they also have the right to express that emotion...but they should express it through words or drawings or letters.

My then 4 year old daughter tasting Fairy Floss for the first time...and no she didn't finish it.

So where am I going with this? I believe that it is important to not lose or diminish the capacity to listen to our bodies and emotions. I believe that we can steadily lose that capacity when we are constantly told to ignore our needs so that we can behave in a way that is "easier". And when we lose that capacity, we also have a diminished capacity to self-regulate and block harmful messages or habits.

Looking back on this blog, I can see that I've documented a couple of my children's experiences with self-regulation:
- When my daughter refused to take on a boyfriend (yes, she was 6 years old when she first experienced being pressured to have a boyfriend at school.)
- When my daughter chose to delay instant gratification for a bigger goal.

But I also have other examples:

Today, my children were given 2 large packets of chocolates and lollies each by different people. I was helping out my neighbours in the garden and they commented that my children (who were in inside the house) had probably scoffed down all the chocolates and were now on a sugar high. I went inside to check on them, and found that they only had 3 chocolates each...because as my son (5 years old) said that eating more was going to make him feel "funny and "sick" (hmmm...pity I don't have the same discipline and I usually end up being "funny and sick").

My children will regularly excuse themselves out of the room when they are at other people's houses if they see something on TV or computer that they don't like or if they know the content is rated above "PG (Parental Guidance)". Something almost all their carers at those times have commented on.

Now I have to say that while I am going on about self-regulation, I do limit their exposure as much as possible to the material in the first place. We do not watch commercial TV at home. My children are not allowed on the internet except when I am surfing the web with them. (I posted about the other things I do in this post.)

I try not to freak out about the things they are exposed to outside of our home - what's at the shops, at friends' houses, at after-school care etc. The way I see it, their exposure to those things give us plenty of chances to discuss and deconstruct the messages. I am not a believer in total censorship, nor do I want to discount my children's inate need to understand and belong to their community.

I only hope that I am able to continue walking that (sometimes very fine) line between teaching my children how to listen to themselves and how to behave in a socially appropriate manner.

Anyway, this post has rambled on enough so I'll stop here.

I hope you have all had a wonderful weekend!

Photo here for no other reason than to tell you my son has now mastered riding a bike with no training wheels this weekend!

My tote!

Hi everyone!

I FOUND MY CAMERA!! And I found my Ben Folds' Songs For Silverman CD as well. So things are obviously looking up. Funny how it was lost till I blogged about it and within 24 hours found both items. (Thank you blog fairies).

And a big thank to everyone who emailed and commented on my last post giving me ideas on what to write about!! I now have a list and will steadily go through them. The weather's cooler so I'll probably be in a better mood to write regularly.

Anyway,in my last post, I told you that I had made a matching tote to go with my overnight bag. Here it is!



I used a pattern for this one (first time to do a bag pattern!) - the Amy Butler Sweet Harmony. It was a little hard to follow so I'm glad I didn't attempt this as one of my beginner projects. Also I couldn't find any fusible fleece anywhere so I did it the old fashioned way using just normal fleece. I also didn't use interfacing...though now that I think about it, I should have at least put some on the bottom of the bag.

Oh as you know the fabric was an op shopped curtain and the lining was fabric given to me by the lovely and talented Bec who was decluttering her fabric stash. THANK YOU Bec!

Still all in all, I'm quite happy with it. I have to admit, I felt a bit spesh carrying my luggage around in Sydney last weekend.



I wish you all a good weekend ahead!

I haven't blogged because...

- I can't find my camera
- Its been too hot
- I've been busy

...all lame excuses...its actually 'cause I have once again lost my bojo*

I have made a matching tote bag to go with my overnight bag...but as I said I can't find my camera to show it off.

I have received a couple of emails from new and old readers though asking some questions about me. If you are a new reader, then welcome! And I'm so sorry I've been slack on the blogging front. If you would like to know a bit more about me I have posted an intro here. Please feel free to introduce yourself too! I have a notification thingy that tells me there are new comments on that post so I *will* read it (and reply).

Oh and for those who had questions about why I blog etc, then you might find Sharni's interview of me might answer your questions.

Now, I need your help. Please help me find my bojo! Do you have a topic you'd like to see me cover here? Give me a writing assignment please!

Anyway, I'm off to try and find my camera....and my Ben Folds, "Songs for Silverman" CD. *sigh* Its been one of those weeks.

Its Australia Day tomorrow! And I am proud to say that I do celebrate it.

I hope you are all well.

*Bojo = blogging mojo

Too much caffeine & sugar= reconstructed halter top

Hello everyone!

So in the spirit of my celebration of 2010, I had decided to instigate a one day a month celebration of obscure days and holidays at my work. Yes, my workmates were at first a bit puzzled but very quickly warmed to the idea...especially as it involved a morning tea. :)

So yesterday was Wikipedia Day - yes folks, Wikipedia went public yesterday 9 years ago. So a workmate brought a cake and a few of us then decorated it with lollies (known as Collaborative Cake Decoration Project...should I put a TM there somewhere?). Unfortunately, I didn't take pics...maybe I will next time.

Anyway, long story short - the end result of the day was that I overloaded on sugar and caffeine. So after a couple of hours of tossing and turning last night not being able to get to sleep, I decided to do some sewing (yes at 2am).

This skirt has been in my sewing pile for quite some time:



It was way way too big for me and I had planned to take it in. But 2am in the morning was just way too late to do something as boring as that....so instead I turned it into this:



Now in the light of day (oh man I'm tired), I can see I'll need to tidy it up a bit.

Still I'm happy with the overall look considering I didn't really have a pattern or tutorial to base the reconstruction from (and the fact that it was 4:00am by the time I finished).

Anyway, I'm off to perpetuate the cycle and have some more coffee...the kids are wanting to play with me.

I wish you all a good weekend.

Falling and Safety Nets

Hello everyone,

Forgive me for being so slack on the blog front. I'm no good with heat. Many of you in Oz will know that everywhere in the south to south east of mainland Australia will have been experiencing the high temps (40 degrees celsius or higher) and hot winds. Its all I can do to not lose my temper at the smallest things, let alone blog!

The heat has meant that I've been staying indoors and not doing much. Something, I have to admit, I don't really enjoy. I am generally physically active and love doing things but the heat is sapping all of my energy!

Having said that, my prolonged periods of physical inactivity is leading me to reflect quite a bit which has been good for me. For some reason an older post of mine, Falling with Style, has been coming back to me a lot. In that post, I talked about how my journey to a simpler life has, in many ways felt like falling. But now I've realised that that post is actually incomplete.

My "fall" could never have happened without my safety nets. While its true that taking little steps have assisted my fall from consumerism, that's only half the picture. The truth is that not participating in consumerism is SCARY. Its not until I stopped buying did I realise how much of my identity and my relationships depended on consuming - and consuming a LOT. Leaving all that was scarier and a bigger change than I have ever anticipated.

So I don't think I could've ever gone through the change (and still doing so now) without my safety nets - ie all the people who are there to catch me when I fall. They are not necessarily people who are journeying with me. They are the people in my life who accept me without judgement or conditions. They are the people I can turn to when I am unsure of what to do. They are the people who help me even when I do not ask.

In short, they are the people who give me the courage to strive for what I believe in and the humour to cushion my disappointment when I fail. They are my family, my neighbours and my friends.

Photo by pescottspies

Now I have to say, equating my support network with a safety net, is particularly apt for me. Because I have also realised that like safety nets, support networks need to be cared for and maintained. Especially in today's busy world, it seems it is too easy to lose touch or disconnect with people.

I have to admit, I feel that I have been particularly lax about maintaining my safety nets. So here's me pledging to take better care of my safety nets and value them.

Who are your safety nets? What do you do to maintain them?

Living at the border

Borders by jeloid

Hello everyone!

I hope your week is going well. I returned to work this week and I have to admit, I'm struggling to get out of "holiday" mode. I'm fine right up until 3pm....then I need my nana nap :P.

On another note, I have been reading Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love". I'm enjoying the book, though I am finding reading her thoughts on finding God hard to read with an open mind. One thing struck me was her thoughts on antevasin - "living at the border". In her book, Elizabeth defines antevasin:

It means "one who lives at the border." In ancient times, this was a literal description. It indicated a person who had left the bustling center of worldly life to go live at the end of the forest where spiiritual masters dwelled. The antevasin was not one of the villagers anymore - not a householder with conventional life. But neither was he yet a transcedent - not on of the sages who live deep in the unexplored woods, fully realised.

And as soon as I read it, I couldn't help thinking that's ME! If I could equate truly living simply as a "transcendent" life, that is. As many of you know, I am at the stage in my life now where it is actually hard for me to consume...but it does not mean I don't consume. I still buy 99% of my food, I still do the odd bit of plane travel and at times I still buy brand new (though I am proud to say that I can actually count on one hand how many brand new items I have bought in the last 18 months).

Indeed, I feel as if I live and participate in that halfway place... the border between consumerist and non-consumerist worlds.

There are times when living at the border is comfortable. But at times its also...well, kinda lonely - especially when I don't feel I fit perfectly in the worlds I move in and out in.

It seems fortuitous then that after reading that chapter in Elizabeth's book that Theresa chose to leave her comment in my Word for 2010 post. Theresa left me this quote:

"Reality is a Perfectionists Nightmare"

And I realised that this is where all my feelings of isolation are stemming from. I feel isolated because I am not a "perfect fit".

...then I realised, but who is? If I stop to think about it, I realise that in both of the worlds I occupy, I hear the same echoes: "I wish I am 'better'".

Don't get me wrong, I think that striving to do better is a pretty good thing. But it can stop me from enjoying what I am right now.

So here's a toast to me - celebrating living at the border - and for being able to do it within my own values.

...Now I can admit to you that I made that toast to myself with a vodka cruiser while sitting in my craft room having just finished the first step in my next crafting with second hand materials project.....:P

I hope you've had a good week.

Finished my first craft project for 2010!

Hi everyone!

Firstly a big thank you to everyone who shared with me their word for the year. It was wonderful for me to read them and I thought it was a great way to start 2010 here in this blog.

Secondly, I'm still having a little trouble with my coding for this template (though dates and widgets are now fixed!). Whenever I link to things the words are not highlighted or underlined in any way that shows its a link until you hover your mouse over it. So trying to figure out why that is. If anyone out there can help me, please don't hesitate to contact me! :)

Now back to the purpose of this post. Some time ago, I picked up an old musty bowling bag from a school fete. I started to recover it and turn it into an overnight bag but then ran out of glue....then I got slack. But I found myself having a free hour today, and so I thought I'd finish it. And here it is!

Inside is not as neat as I would have liked. I underestimated how much the fabric would fold into the corners. Still, I can live with the inside being like this.

As usual, all materials used (except for glue) were sourced second hand.

The bowling bag is the perfect size for taking as overhead luggage in a plane. I may end up having to do some short trips this year for work so it'll be nice to carry this around to show it off.

So anyone else finished their first 2010 craft project? If you have please let me know! I would love to have a look.

My word for 2010

Hello everyone,

Happy New Year! Like my new look? I have to re-insert all my widgets back (I keep getting error messages when I insert it in by code so I may have to do it the long way). Don't worry you'll see all of my links soon. :P

Anyway, I hope you have all had a great start to the year. I had a relaxed and fairly quiet night. Quiet is good because it helped me reflect on what I would like to do this year.

In a discussion forum I go to, there was a thread there about New Year's resolutions. Now I don't do resolutions. I'm one of those people who think why wait for New Year before doing things I'd like to do? I'm way too impatient for resolutions. :P

Having said that, one of the ladies in the thread mentioned about not having a resolution but having a "word" for the year. This appeals to me much more. Having a word for the year will help me focus on what I would like to get out of all the things I will inevitably do this year.

And my word for 2010 is "Celebrate".

Photo by rAmmoRRison

The last few years, I think I have focussed on "learn" and "survive". And while I can see how focussing on these things have shaped me and made me happy, I am now feeling the need to kick back and just celebrate.

So this year, I will consciously celebrate the quiet, the loud, the fun and the serious. This year, I will consciously celebrate the me I have become and the me I will, no doubt, change to. Most of all, I will consciously celebrate this journey towards a simpler life.

Do you have a word for the year?