Constructing (and reconstructing) "me"...

I was talking to a workmate today and somehow or other, our conversation ended up discussing alternative ways of expressing ourselves. When I say "expressing me", I don't just mean communicating my ideals or values, but expressing or projecting identity - "the me that:
a) I want people to see, or
b) I want to be".

It seems to me that, these days, almost everyone around me expresses or projects themselves through their work or through their consumption. In my last post, I was asked about where I was 10 years ago. And 10 years ago, I can honestly say that I projected myself through my consumption and my work. I was lucky enough to have a job that I excelled in and in turn, allowed me to project the "me that I want people to see." I gained a lot of satisfaction in that. There were also a lot of flow on effects. Because I was satisfied with my job, I spent a lot of time there. I would work hard and I was promoted a few times. This led me to finally be able to buy materials, goods, and the lifestyle of the "me that I want people to see."

That was why stopping paid work to have and look after my babies was so hard for me. Like many new stay-at-home mums, I suddenly lost a major outlet for me to project my identity. In many ways, this was where I turned to consumption as my *only* way to project my identity. While some aspects of my lifestyle (such as restaurants, touring wineries etc) were curbed simply because a new baby doesn't allow for such activities, through the buying of "things" I was able to reconstruct and project my identity - this time, there was an extra dimension to my buying - I felt I *had* to buy stuff to project the kind of mum I wanted to be...

Looking back I can now see the subtle shift in my consumption habits when I became a mother - where before I was buying things mainly for what I want people to see as me, now I was buying things mainly to project who I want to be. I wanted to be a "good mum" (whatever that means) so I bought the best that I could afford for my children. At first I had thought "the best" meant "the most expensive" or "the healthiest"... then as I continued my construction and reconstruction of my identity as a mother, "the best" became those items that embodied the values that I wanted to teach my children. So I bought lots and lots of cloth nappies, dozens and dozens of slings/baby carriers, and dozens and dozens of ethical toys. And so on. And while my consumption habits may now have become more ethical, it didn't negate the fact that I was still projecting my identity through the consumption of goods.

Then my year of no-buying brand new (the reasons for which are summarised in this post) came along. Looking back, I can't believe I ever thought it would be "easy". At the time, I felt that my feelings of disgust at how much stuff I had would be enough to stop me from buying brand-new. What I had failed to recognise was that by curbing my consumption so drastically, I had also cut off a major outlet for me to project my identity. At first, I tried to replace this outlet through the buying of 2nd hand goods. However, the market limited me in terms of stuff I could buy to truly project the me that I wanted to be.

So probably one of the best outcomes of my no-buying brand new year has been to finally learn alternative ways to construct and reconstruct my identity. While I admit I am still using consumption (of 2nd hand and now ethically made goods) as a form of projecting my identity, it is now longer a major outlet for me. Instead, I have found sewing (especially sewing with materials that have outgrown its original purpose) and blogging to be a great outlet. I have found volunteering to connect and help people to be another great source of satisfaction. I have also found learning new skills (like sewing, knitting, paper crafting) very rewarding.

I am also back at work (though this time, part-time), but for once I am no longer using work to project the me that I want people to see, but as only one means to project the me that I want to be. I am now more discerning about the type of work environment I want in order to do that.

Through all these alternative ways, I have found that I am not only able to project my identity but also derive greater satisfaction from the process of constructing and reconstruction of the me that I want to be.